Beowulf the Boastful (Script)

Players:

Wealtheow, wise and honorable queen of the Danes.

Hrothgar, her husband, the king. Excellent manager of gold, poor commander-in-chief at war.

Unferth, the king's advisor. Not much good in battle, but world-class at jealousy.

Beowulf, hero and champion. Comes from overseas on a quest.

Grendel, a monster.

Grendel's Mother, monster mama.

Narrator, campy and alliterative.

Narrator: For twelve years, the monster Grendel, exiled seed of Cain, has held the great mead-hall Herot in a reign of terror, stealing in after the Danes have feasted to make a feast of the Danes themselves.

Wealtheow: Hrothgar, you are the king. Our men look to you for strength and leadership. Something must be done about Grendel. You must protect this great hall that you have built.

Hrothgar: Herot is the work of years of prudent management of wealth and labor. Caution has served me well in the past. We will defeat Grendel through careful planning.

Wealtheow: The time for care and caution is past! If you allow Grendel to continue his slaughter while you make plans, you will have no warriors left to execute them!

Hrothgar: Wealtheow, my queen, you bring a wealth of inspiration. We must strike boldly. When Grendel comes tonight, you'll follow him home and nag him to death.

Narrator: To a kingdom in disarray arrives the great Geat warrior, Beowulf. Landing his boat upon the Danish shore, Beowulf is spotted by a patrol, and Unferth brings him before the King.

Unferth: Who are you that troubles our king and his halls in these troubling times?

Beowulf: I am Beowulf of the Geats, come seeking fame and fortune. And who might you be?

Unferth: I am Unferth, the King's man. Here I am known and trusted. But you are not. Perhaps you are some enemy or spy.

Beowulf: My father knows the king of old, as a generous gold-lord. Our family is in his debt. I've heard Herot is beset by a fearsome foe. I wish to discharge our debt and bring glory to this hallowed hall.

Unferth: And what makes you the man to do it? I hear a guy named Brecca beat you in a swimming contest.

Beowulf: Yes, Unferth, but that's only half the story. I came in second in swimming, but I also set personal records for breath-holding and number of sea monsters stabbed in the freakin' face!  [pause]

Or haven't you noticed that our seaways are once again safe for sailors? [pause]

A little gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

[awkward pause]

Seriously? No one's gonna ask how many sea monsters I stabbed?

Hrothgar: At ease, Unferth. Perhaps Beowulf's coming is a boon. Champion swimmer or not, what we really need is a man who slays monsters.

Beowulf: I will slay Grendel. This shamed beast of a man is no match for my strength, cunning, bravery and humility.

Hrothgar: Let us feast our good fortune. Perhaps we shall finally be rid of Grendel!

Narrator: At the feast, Unferth poses a challenge to Beowulf.

Unferth: You know, Grendel accomplishes his marauding unarmed. It would not prove you much a man were you to attack him with a weapon, when he neither knows nor carries them.

Beowulf: So be it, Wormtongue. I shall ambush Grendel when he comes to the hall tonight, and I will kill him with my bare hands. Tonight, fate shall decide who is the stronger, braver, humbler man.

Narrator: After the feast, Grendel steals into the great hall, filled with sleeping men, for a feast of his own. [Grendel eats a guy]

Beowulf: Grendel! You've fallen into my trap. You'll pay for your foolishness, and for your crimes against the hall Herot! No power in the 'verse can stop me! David Caruso will have to clean you up with a carpet shampooer and an air filter after I'm done with you!

Grendel: David Caruso's an actor, not a real detective.

Beowulf: Oh. [beat] Right. [awkward pause]

Why aren't I killing you yet? [awkward pause] [Grendel and Beowulf fight]

Narrator: Grendel and Beowulf grapple in a mighty struggle that shakes the very walls of the great hall Herot. Finally, Beowulf bests Grendel.

Grendel: Arrrgh! You tore my arm off!

Beowulf: You best run before I beat you with it. [Grendel runs away]

Narrator: The commotion from the fight wakes king Hrothgar and his man Unferth, who hurry to the main hall to investigate.

Hrothgar: What's that noise?

Beowulf: That's the sound of Grendel getting what he deserves. See? I've made a trophy of his arm.

Hrothgar: At last, we are free of his periodic, pernicious presence.

Beowulf: It is for the glory of Herot that I have done this deed of great strength, bravery and cunning

Hrothgar: And humility. Unferth, have a feast prepared in Beowulf's honor. Tonight the bard shall sing his tale!

Beowulf: Suck it, Wormtongue!

Narrator: Unbeknownst to the feasting Danes, their troubles are not over. That night, Grendel's mother profaned the hall of Herot with her presence, carrying off one of the King's best men to make a meal of him. Hrothgar and his men track her to a great lake.

Hrothgar: The monstrous murderess must make her home in this lake.

Beowulf: This is just like that time I killed a bunch of sea monsters in the middle of a swimming contest. [awkward pause]

Seriously? Nobody wants to know about the sea monsters?

Unferth: If you're going after Grendel's mother, you must borrow my sword, so that I may share the glory. Hrunting is an ancient, powerful blade.

Beowulf: This shall be a glorious day for Dane and Geat alike!

Narrator: Beowulf dives deep into the lake. His lungs are burning, nearly out of air, by the time he finds Grendel and his mother's lair. The vengeful mother greets Beowulf with a dagger to do him in.

G. Mother: Grendel honey, I brought you something to eat. [pause] Oh. [beat] You're dead. [beat] I am just gonna kill that bastard Beowulf.

Beowulf: What kind of crazy woman are you, swinging that dagger around?

G. Mother: Vengeful, like the Count of Monte Cristo, and when I'm done today, you'll be down for the count.

Beowulf: Edmund Dantes never actually killed anyone in that story.

G. Mother: Oh. [awkward pause]

Why aren't I avenging my son already? [they fight]

Narrator: Beowulf's borrowed blade breaks, the sword of Unferth being insufficient to penetrate the monster's flesh. Grendel's mother is able to pin the unarmed Geat. Beowulf, seeing another sword hanging on the wall, struggles free and beheads both monsters, living and dead. Grendel's head he takes for a trophy. Meanwhile, back at the shoreline.

Unferth: Beowulf's been gone too long. Surely he should have been back by now. He must be dead.

Beowulf: [Breaks the surface of the water with an exuberant shout] Woooo! Both Grendel and his mother are slain. And I brought you guys a present. [hands Hrothgar the head of Grendel] Suck it, Wormtail!

Unferth: Indeed, Beowulf, you are truly the strongest, braves and humbles of heroes. Let us feast again in your honor.

[End]